Today's Stock Market

I flipped the newspaper open today to the world biz section and this was what i saw

Helium is up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light tradings.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at even keel.
The markets for raisins dried up.
Coca-cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up in a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.


Surprised?
Not really